Full Metal Bullcrap
by Kousetsu Rii
Summary: What do you get when you mix Ed, a suprising partner, and an adventure to find home again? You get a bunch of full metal bull crap. (R&R please.)
1. Back again

It's been about 1...no, 2 years since I've seen Al. Has he changed somewhat? I can only imagine. But..there's hope. I'm here now, back in this world...and I will find you. I know you don't remember much, hell if any at all. But I will tell you this, I always did have a good pair of legs... 

Edward Elric

Ishbal 1918, post-war.

* * *

" Awwwwwwhhhhhh! We're sorry...we're sorry"

"Oh...now you want forgiveness from me? Ha! This is too funny. Don't you know who I am"

"We know..WE KNOW!" The two nodded as they cringed in fear. " Y-you're t-that a-a-alchemist from Ishbal ! "

" SHUT UP! Don't even compare me to those dirty 'Balians. The names' Alice, don't forget." She dug her left foot into the solid ground. "And since you that I can do alchemy, I should turn you two into a fish so that you can slowly die from lack of water"

"NOOOO! W-we promise to never steal from you again. B-besides, that ring looks better on you than anyone else...PLEASE LET US GO! AWWWHHH"

" Fine, go. But if I catch you again, you're getting neutered like the dogs you are." The boys scattered off as fast as possible, making sure they were out of her distance. " Hmph...from Ishbal, spare me. I'm not like you cousin, people shouldn't compare." Shaking her head once again, she walked off in an opposite direction, towards the new Ishbal camp.

* * *

"Sir, we found those reports on the unconfirmed alchemist you were seeking"

"Mm? Let's see it then.." The Major took the papers in hand, reading them carefully.

* * *

Name: Alice Thomson.  
Age:18 Race: Half Ishbalian/ Unknown  
Weight: 117 Lbs Eye/Hair color: Brown/ Reddish-Golden streaks I Greenish-purple eyes Description: Short-Tempered, Determined women in search of her cousin.

* * *

" It's minimal information, who the hell wrote this"

The rookie shook somewhat as he glanced away, " Uhhh...I have no clue. But, I'll be happy to write you a ne-...uhh... a better one than that loser"

" Good job, I need to know more about this girl. She could be the link to this world and the stories of another world." The rookie bowed as he ran out the room shutting the door behind him. The Major, with a crooked smile, thought to himself as he took up the photograph of Alice from the folder of papers, " Alice, you're about to make me the most powerful man in Amestris"

* * *

New Ishbal- December 1819

After the the war, the people of Ishbal were once again relocated into a more governed controlled area. With Parliament in control, their rights were more defined than ever. To hunt and/or trespass on an Ishbal sanctuary was against the law and had dire consequences. The buildings and people seemed to be more refreshed . With the old thoughts of sun gods out the door, they were able to move forward. With their new location also in a desert like area, the winter's phases didn't apply to them. New Ishbal was the 'Candy Land of Amestris'.

" Wow, so this is the new Ishbal. If that's the case, then I have to be somewhere near home. And...and...and, that means, I'll be able to see Al again ! Things are really looking up! I'm coming Al, hold tight." Ed began to ran through the streets with a smile as big as apple on his face. Suddenly, he noticed a crowd in front of him; halting to a quick stop. " Huh? What the "

" We know you're hiding it...so show yourself, you witch ! This goes to show all of you; don't trust outsiders! " A man from the audience called out among the people.

" I ain't no witch, so get outta my way." Alice called out.

" I saw it too!" Another man called out from the audience " She made this light appear from her hands as she fixed this boy's toy. She uses the 'Great art' "

" Grrr...I help people, like a doctor"

" Women aren't doctors, they're child producers." the same man called out.

" WHAT! I'll show you a child producer! " Clasping her hands twice, she extended her index finger towards the man who made such a comment, turning him into a giant ball. " Now who looks pregnant? " She began to laugh out loud.

" She's an...alch-" Ed's eyes grew wider as the mob started to charge towards Alice.

" GET HER! SHE'LL DESTROY THE WHOLE CITY"

" Damn it! I'll I wanted was some soda from this sandy-ass town!" She started to run whiling clasping her hands together. " Sorry, I know you guys love me, but we need some SEPARATION!" She drew her hands down, allowing a huge barrier of sand to raise from the ground, separating her from the group as she ran out of the city. " CIAO! BWAHAHA"

" DAMN IT! She's so fast." Ed began to ran after her, slipping though another exit. Finally catching up, he began to yell. " Hey, you! HEY! OI! "

" God, another one. DON'T YOU PEOPLE QUIT"

" I'm not from Ishbal. C'mon, I don't even look like one. But if I had to judge, I'd say you do"

" DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT YOU DIRTY DOG!" She began to run straight towards him. " I'll make you eat those words!" Launching herself into the sky, she clasped her hands together and smiled. " Looks like you could use some sun there." She held her hands towards the sun's ray and created a beam-wave to strike towards his body.

" You've gotta be kidding with me! There's no way that she could do that!" He also clasped his hands together and pressed them against his auto-mail arm, creating a bigger metal shield. The beam striked against the arm and launched itself back into the air again." Sorry, metal beats rock, I win."

Alice's eyes grew, " Who the hell are you! There's no way that you could do that, it's impossible"

" Simple, all I did was recombine the elements in my arm to "

" SHUT UP! That's not what I'm talking about. Who are you! "

" The names' Edward, Edward Elric"

" Pfft.." She chuckled her head off.

" What's so funny"

" Edward Elric is like five feet tall, any real alchemist knows that"

" WHAT? WHO'RE YOU CALLING SHORT?" He pushed his head into her own.  
She began to push back." I DIDN'T SAY THAT! AND GIVE IT UP! YOU'RE NOT HIM! Besides the real Edward is dead"

" Dead"

" Yeah, he died two or some years ago trying to protect his brother. Rumor has it that his brother is around and is really good at alchemy. They say he's a splitting image of his brother and he's trying to bring Ed back. There's also a rumor that my cousin is there. So, I'm going to find her myself.

" Al's doing alchemy?" He clenched his right hand into a fist as he looked up into the sky smiling.

" Yeah, seems like only a hand amount are now. And stop talking about Alphonse Elric as if you know him"

" But, I'm -...ugh..never mind. Hey, you said something about your cousin, I might know her"

" A few do, she was kinda famous to the Ishbal nation"

"Really"

" Yeah, they called her the 'Holy Mother' or some junk like that"

" ROSE! YOU'RE ROSE'S COUSIN? "

She grabbed at the collar of his shirt, " That's it, you either tell me who your are, or I kill you now. If you know Rose, then you should know Scar. And basically I learned alot from him, including the temper"

" Yeah.." He smiled while being forced up. " You two look alot alike, down to the bone. But you sure as hell don't act like her. Seems like you got the ruff genes of the family"

" Don't Bullshit with me"

" I already told you, I'm friggen Edward Elric. And I didn't die, I was transformed into another world where I stayed captive for two years. I couldn't get back until now; with the help of some people"

" Why not? Mm?"

" Because, you can't use Alchemist there. I used my body to bring my brother's back, equivalent exchange"  
She sighed slowly while slowly backing away. " You are Edward... the real"

" I've been trying to say that. Man, you people don't listen"

" OH MY GOD, THE REAL!...WOW..I'm sorry I tried to...I'M SO SORRY!" She started to cling towards his leg. " I'm a Huge fan...you know..!" She pulled out a few key chains and t-shirts.

"You've gotta be kidding me. They're selling merchandise of me!" He started to brush himself off while twitching " Why do I have a feeling this has something to do with Havoc."

"Nah, no big deal. It's funny how we're trying to get to the same place. You could pay me back by taking me with you"

" Umm..shouldn't you know the way"

" Crossing over the gate, I lost my memory of certain things"

"Gate?"

"Never mind, it's equivalent exchange"

" There's no such thing as equivalent exchange. You won't always get what you put out in the end. That's why I practice 'Cause and effect'" .

" Hmm...now I really want to come along with you. You are a weird girl, you know that"

" I'm not a girl"

" How old are you? Sixteen...Fifteen"

" Eighteen! Like the way you should be"

" Mm..you don't look eighteen"

"How so?."

" Well...not to be a guy but..." He began to look her up and down.

" GRRRRR!" She started to run after him while screaming. " YOU PERV"

He began to laugh while running " Take a joke! You're just like me. This should be interesting"

" Whatever. It's almost dark, are you coming or not"

" Yeah, let's go. After two years, I have some ..."

" Keep up...you better not keep me back"

" Huh? WHAT"

" YOU HEARD ME"

"DON'T START WITH ME"

"I'LL TURN YOU INTO A CLOCK IF YOU KEEP ANNOYING ME"

" IT'S BEEN AN HOUR AND ALREADY, I CAN'T STAND YOU"

" WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK YOUR 'GATE' PLACE!"

* * *

And so...the story begins... 


	2. Truth

Ishbal-1918; Campsite

* * *

As the day settled in, night approached quickly. The two had no choice but to build a fire and relax for the the rest of that day.

" You know, it's kind of cold out."

"So? Want me to cuddle with you?" Alice began to smirk.

" F'eh.." He rolled his eyes somewhat. " That's one thing that I hate about the desert, the nights are cold. We're going to have  
to share this then." He pulled a medium sized goat skin cover from his bag.

"Leather?"

"It's goat."

"So, you're farmer now? Wow, the lies just keep coming."

"I got it from the last town I came from. It was a gift from the wife of a farmer. I fixed her sewing machine." He nodded some while fluffing the skin.

"Whatever.."

"If you don't want any, I don't mind being greedy."

" I didn't say that."

"Then shut up and just accept. Man, you make things hard."

The two settled down on the ground, sharing the skin together. The fire slowly began to fade away into the dark pieces of wood equivalent exchange provided for them.

"It's bad enough we're in the same bed..."

" Look, I just want to go home. In the morning I'll leave to find my way back, alone."

She turned on her side, facing away from him as she kept quiet. He also turned facing away, his auto-mail leg sticking out somewhat, due to it's bulky texture. Later on that night, a peaceful slumber inhabited the two. Dreams of happiness flourished throughout their minds, dancing all around. Ed, being the first to experience this event in dream land, began to dream about dogs mistaking his leg for a bone.

"Huh...leggo." He began to call out while wiggling. " Mmmmm...stop.." His leg slowly eased it's way over to Alice's own right. Even she began to dream, which was common, rubbing her right leg against Ed's auto-mail left one.

" Ha! Don't touch there, my leg isn't all there." She began to snort lightly. Suddenly, a bright light appeared under the covers which made Ed jump.

"What the..." He pulled back the covers to notice a fusion between both her limbs and his auto-mail. " No...NO! HELL NO! Now I know this is impossible! Alice, wake up and gimme my damn leg back!" He began to shake her shoulder. " Damn, I can't even move without her help. She looks so light, but is as heavy as a whale." He placed his right foot in her face " GET UP!" After five kicks, she too arose.

" WHY THE HELL DID YOU WAKE ME UP!"

" DON'T YELL AT ME!"

"IT'S FOUR O'CLOCK AND YOU HAVE YOUR FIVE INCH FOOT IN MY FACE, WHAT SHOULD I DO!"

" LOOK AT YOUR LEG, STUPID!"

She glanced down, hoping to see her toes, but all that was left was metal intertwined with her skin.  
" ...Oh...My...God..."

" Alright, this impossible, and I mean it. However, science doesn't lie, so you're hiding something."

" WHAT'S THERE TO HIDE? YOU DID A TRANSMUTATION IN YOUR SLEEP!"

"C'mon, fusing metal with bones? Doesn't work that easy."

" Ed, where's my leg, I'm trying to stay calm."

"What does that mean! 'Where's my leg?' Where the hell do you think it is!"

"Oh, you're such a genius. Ed the Genius"

" Right, and I suppose I grabbed your leg."

"It was on my side of the bed, I bet you had some stupid dream and like..it happened. It's like wetting the bed."

" You know, I really don't like you.."

"Oh yeah!"

"YEAH!"

"OH YEAH!"

" DIDN'T I JUST SAY 'YEAH'. YOU'RE SO DUMB, YOU CAN'T EVEN HOLD A PROPER ARGUMENT!"

Alice pressed her hands together and placed them to his lips, creating a muzzle around his mouth. " SHUT UP!."

He retaliated against her, pressing his hands to the ground creating a chain on her neck. " Mmm...MMMM!..Mmm..Mmmm.."

" You're so dumb, you'd think you would've removed the muzzle by now. Haha...ha-" As she began to laugh, the muzzle fastening it's way from Ed's face onto her own.

" Only bitches need muzzles."

She growled and created a cage for him while removing the muzzle. " Ohh! You make me sick!"

" I make you sick?" He pulled at the bars " From day one, all you've been was a pain, and a brat!"

"Whatever, this is all in your mind."

"T'ch, you're something else. Are you sure you're related to Rose? " She grew silent as her eyes began to grow. " I mean, she has womanly skills, kindness, and she's beautiful. Anyone could fall for her, compared to you." He began to sigh.

"DON'T EVER COMPARE US!" She began to pull at her chain with her neck.

" If you do that, you'll choke to death." He said in a calm voice.

"I don't care. I DON'T CARE" She began to pant louder while pulling.

" Why don't you just take it off ?"

"Because, I can't. And I want to hurt you for this! What you've said and my leg!"

"If you haven't noticed, you're not that far from me." He began to taunt at her fingers with his own hand, as she scratched at his wrist. " I noticed how you are weak against destroying metal with alchemy. It made no sense at first, then it hit me. It's because even you have an alchemical reaction to metal, sorta like a non-polar/polar reaction." Suddenly, she stopped short and lowered her head as her body was pulled back. " Let's try this again, what's in your leg, Alice?"

" My leg isn't all real."

"I know that, but you still have a bone in your leg."

" 40 of that leg is metal, some scraps of iron and traces of other elements linger too. The bone remains because, it could've been reused."

" Even though that still doesn't add up, tell me what happened?"

" My old home, in Alford, the war against Ishbalians and the state waged. I remember running to school one day then coming home to notice an empty house. There were bullets flying, left to right and people screaming, but no signs of my family. I ran out the door, screaming for them, even running down to the local market. While I was running from the crossfire, I fell into a ditch which contained a landmine. From there on, life wasn't good."

"And is that's why you hate Rose?"

"NO!"

"Then why?"

"You wouldn't understand.."

Ed forceful placed his hands on the ground allowing her chain to materialize. He then pulled her by the wrist over to his cage. " HOW CAN YOU TELL ME THAT ! DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT'S ON MY ARM? ALICE, I DON'T HAVE A LEFT LEG AND RIGHT ARM! Loosing limbs is something I do too well."

"This isn't about limbs, it's about family."

" I lost my mother too! I understa-.."

"SHUT UP! LIKE HELL YOU DO! YOUR BROTHER DIDN'T LEAVE YOUR DYING MOTHER FOR ANOTHER WOMAN!"

"..." He remained silent

"Yeah, like I thought. All roses are cheap, and worthless. Even the name is worth two cents, Rose."

" Alice, she's not a bad person."

" When I was fourteen, she left my dying father to be with Cain, that's stupid boyfriend of hers. She knew we couldn't carry on with out her, and still she did, saying some bull crap, " You guys will be fine, he needs me." I thought she loved us. She went with him to Ishbal so he could go to his 'home'. After the accident with her family, she believed all she had left was him" Her eyes began to close "Ishbalians are dirty".

" She does.." Ed freed himself from the cage. "It was just a bad mistake.."

"Yes, one I suffered with for as long as I know. My leg was gone, my father was killed and mother. And again, I'm alone." The tears began to pour from the sides of her eyes. "Turn around and close your ears, I don't want you seeing me like this. I'm not a weak person, I just hate her so much, that I'm emotionally drained."

He began to wrap his arms around her back and waist. "Stupid...I'm not leaving." He said while smothering his face into her hair." Shut up and get over it. You'll cry now, because I don't ever want to see it again..."


End file.
